Featured, Life, Music

For all the ‘Waiters’ out there, this is for you.

May 1, 2016
girl-beach-sunrise-pretty-meditation-musician

Ever been in a relationship that felt like all you did was WAIT, only to be SEEN? I have…10 years… I waited 10 loooong long long years for someone who never noticed. That’s a fricken decade!! And a long time to wait patiently for somebody, yet never feel like you’re being seen. But after realizing that there is another HUGE part to this (myself), I learned my lesson. I learned about myself in the best of ways and walked away quietly. I came out on the other side feeling calm, peace and at rest with the mysteries of the relationship, that the universe had humbly brought me.

indie-folk-chill-meditation-diy-musician

Yeah ok so 10 years… It’s a hell of a long time.. I know I KNOW!….But it’s also not. I mean, we were On & Off (mostly off) for the entire time, and 9 years can really flyyyy by.

Whenever I talk about the relationship that I spent so many years pining after, I feel like I have to get defensive. I feel like I have to defend my pride, my dignity, my emotions, my heart. Cause obviously it wasn’t particularly healthy – no. It was quite the opposite… There was a LOT of heartache, drama and lust involved. But looking back in hindsight, I really have no reason to get defensive. I am the way I am because I went through something extraordinary, that changed my life. And although it may not have FELT very extraordinary at the time, it has completely shaped and moulded the very being that I am today. ✨ For that I am grateful.

Ok So let’s get down to the nitty gritty, cause I know there are some curious kittens out there!

I had just turned 16 and I met him during one of his shows at a coffee house in my tiny home town. Yes, how ironic… He is a musician too. A damn good one – but we’ll get to that later.

A whole decade has gone by and I still remember that very moment that I caught his eyes for the first time. I felt magic. I literally felt something inside of me that I never knew existed before. I felt ALIVE. I felt Love.

So we unofficially started dating…  He was sooo good at singing and playing guitar, he swept me off my feet. I wanted nothing more but to be immersed in him and his music every single day for the rest of my life. SO much so, that he was actually the start of my own musical journey down the road… Because two years later, I decided to pick up the guitar and try it for myself. He ended up seeing other girls constantly, and lying about it. He made promises and he could never keep. He went to jail and even though we rarely saw each other, my heart was still 100% invested. Sadly, his was not. So our off & on years began. The majority of the years consisted of me thinking about him, longing for him, feeling frustrated by him for being so distant and ALWAYS loving him no matter what. Most of the time he wasn’t there to sing to me. He would be somewhere in the states getting high and numbing life with other girls. But I would ALWAYS make myself available in the end, to help him in any way I could. I would Always be patiently waiting.

In those moments, I decided if he can’t be here singing for me, then I shall sing for myself!! And I started learning guitar by watching youtube videos.

I. am. not. joking…

This is how the very ROOTS of my music career began. Yes, most of it has been my own curiosities, determination and very hard work.. But still, I like to give a little credit to the man who got me hungry for more. If I never met him and fallen in love with him & with music, I may have never felt compelled learn guitar myself. The universe is a beautiful thing.

So that’s a positive! There are others, I promise 🙂

Upon waiting for years and years to be noticed by someone that I was in love with, I grew A LOT. And when I say “to be noticed” I mean, really noticed. From the inside of my heart & soul to his. To be felt and seen and heard and welcomed with love. Sometimes it is too easy to get lost in an intoxicating tangled web of hot emotions. It was ultra easy for me… A Piece of strawberry cake! Even when I knew it would never work out, I still did what was comfortable for me. I waited and waited, and no, I never got that love from him that I was always waiting for. This is not to say that he never WANTED to. I think he tried in some ways and I do think he wanted to give me his love, but it just wasn’t there.  You simply can’t force something if it isn’t there on both sides. So, instead I got little pieces of his love every so often, which would give me the warmest brightest ray of sunshine that I could cling onto for a while… And then it would fizzle out. On and on it goes.

It was a constant, ongoing repetitive cycle.

I’ll admit it. On paper it sounds like HELL!

So why did I do it?

Why did I wait?

I waited because it’s not hell. It wasn’t hell and it never will be. Waiting in that relationship brought me angst at the same time as bringing me comfort. It made me long for and lust after, and day dream and feel allllll the feels allllll the time.

I waited for something that couldn’t ever happen, and it broke me more times than I can remember. But the beauty that comes out on the other side is the fact that I was the one who put myself back together. ME. all by myself. I picked up the hundreds of little pieces of my shattered heart, time & time again, until it became just another thing. It became easy, and a lot less scary. I knew that the next time my heart would get broken, it was just one of those times again, and that I would find my way back to myself sooner than later.

You see, as much as I craved him inside my soul, we could never work. We were never meant to work. I find so much beauty in this now, because I am more open and passionate and unafraid than I ever have been. I am thankful and grateful for the struggles I endured in the relationship because it taught me to grow and be strong and stand up for the person that I am.

So at times it seems unfortunate that some of us, The wait-ers, ‘lose so much time’ waiting for something that is never meant to be.  But, we wait because it’s a comfortable growing spot for us. A little incubator, if you will. 😄

In fact, I never lost any time waiting at all! I grew and grew and grew until my little heart got strong enough to let go of him with love and grace. To wish nothing but happiness for him and for myself, and to move on with the excitement of what is to come.

Waiting contributed to many of my inspirations in my music, my videos and in my life.

Which brings me to the release of my latest original song “Get This Way”!!!! yayyy!

 

Eeeekk I’m excited! It’s COMPLETELY different than anything I’ve written before and it’s the direction I am looking to move for my next album. I’m kinda SUPER excited about it 😀 Annnd…. Drum roll please….

There are No. Instruments!

None. ziltch. nada!!!

Even the beat I made with sounds from my vocal chords!!

Whaa!? I don’t even know how I did it! But I‘m stoked.

So anyways… yes, another love song. Surprise surprise!! But this time, it’s about a love that’s worth waiting. A love for your own self. A love that will make you wait so that you can grow and blossom and learn for your own sake. A love that will allow you take life in, as it is, every single day, and then let it out when the time is right.

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So that’s that. I hope you enjoyed my newest impromptu song & video & inspiration & LOVE. And buckle up, cause there’s A LOT more where that comes from, and I’m bringing you along with me!!

Lyrics:

She takes one breath in

And let’s the words come out

Everything he needs to hear she’ll hide for now

She’ll put her thoughts away, do her part

And he’ll be off thinking in his own way

mmmm

First look at her he knew is fate

She’s everything he needs to have but he’ll be late

He’ll be fighting dragons, demons & thieves

Spending all day picking up the pieces

And she’ll be home waiting

Ooo ouu

Cause you love to run and I love the chase

Even when you don’t come home I’m waiting

You turn your back like I’m not there

We fight for days like you don’t care

How did we get this way?

How did we get this way?

She let her guard down

Let him back in

Wanted him around

Wanted his lovin’

He’s a changed man

or so he was,

’Til he stumbled on down where it all began

And wouldn’t come back

You wouldn’t come back

You love to run, I love the chase

I’m here waiting

Cause you love to run and I love the chase

Even when you don’t come home I’m waiting

Enjoy and Stay wonderful!

🙂

xoxox

-Jessica

PS: Please stay tuned if you are interested to learn how to film & edit DSLR videos, as I will be soon offering e-courses for all you DIY Musicians out there! Head on over to my subscribe page for updates on when my courses will be released. 

P Peeeee S:  Like my latest video? Ever thought about donating to the cause ? 🙂 Every dollar counts. Please visit my tip jar page where you can support me by a one time donation via PayPal, OR monthly donations in smaller increments with Patreon. These electronic dollars help me to pay for things like snails 🐌.

MUAH!

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1 Comment

  • Reply Scott June 13, 2016 at 8:28 am

    Great perspective!

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