And I know what you’re probably thinking.
I’m a turd.
Who DOESN’T want to go to Hawaii?! I mean, come on!
But truthfully, I really didn’t…
So here’s what happened.
Some of you might know that I’ve suffered from Anxiety for a few years, and more recently, I’ve had a bad bout of it sneak back into my daily life. I was doing everything in my power to ward it off. Yoga, meditation, visiting the beach, napping, baths… I was doing all the self care things that I could think of to try and keep the Anxiety at bay.
But I couldn’t fight it.
This time is was powerful, like a MEGA wave tsunami, coming to swallow me up whole. That’s what it felt like every day, and I couldn’t bare it anymore. So I decided what I thought would be best for my mental health and to try meds for the first time ever. Now, I’m pretty anti meds — Not for everyone of course – because I think they help a lot of people for a lot of things! But for myself personally; I just don’t like the thought of shoving pills of pills into my body with ingredient words that I can’t even pronounce. It’s scary! Meds and pills and changing brain chemistry – all of the above are all super scary things!!!
But I was literally at my wits end.
I couldn’t function properly anymore.
The anxiety was so present in my life that even going out to eat casually at a restaurant with my sister and good friend caused anxiety symptoms to rise. At that point, I knew it was really time for me to try something new.
So I drove myself to the doctor and was prescribed pills. I literally cried. I was so sad. I didn’t want to be on meds so bad, that I just broke out into tears right in her office. I just wanted to be me again and I felt like nobody could understand my angst in that moment, and all I wanted to find out is the ROOT CAUSE of my problems. So that, in addition to the giant fears I has swirling around in my head of being on pills, was almost crippling.
Can you believe that?
The thought of BEING on anxiety meds GAVE me added anxiety.
That is not normal my friends!
So there I went. Filled the prescription feeling all scared and bad about my decisions and anxious about symptoms and scared that the pills would take away the person I am. But here’s the thing: A few months ago, I was NOT myself. That’s the whole point of what I’m trying to make here: Is that, I was not myself and maybe these pills were going to help me be me again.
Ok now we can get to the good part: Hawaii
It’s 2018 which means it’s my sister Katie’s 30th birthday (Hurray Katie!!! 🎉). We had been planning a trip to celebrate for nearly a year. By the time Hawaii came around, I was so exhausted and defeated and deflated and trying to recover from anxiety, that the thought of getting on a plane and switching time zones made me woozy. But I did it, because I love my sister and I could never leave her hanging.
At this point, I was about 4 weeks into the meds. They were certainly helping, but I still had looming fears and anxieties and ruminating thoughts daily. And off we went, up up and away into the Hawaiian skies. I didn’t look back.
Hawaii healed me.
Basically, it was the best decision of my life.
Because something clicked while I was there. Perhaps it was the meds, or the warm weather, or the sea air, or spending time with someone that I could be completely unapologetically myself with. About the 3rd day in, I saw sunlight again. I felt so light and airy and I finally just felt like the old Jessica! It was a wave of relief, if only you could’ve been there!!
Although you couldn’t be there on the trip, I ended up filming the entire thing so you can journey with us and see our adventures. There were goats and hikes and volcanoes and turtles good food and a whoooole lot of good vibes. The people of Hawaii are incredible and filled with so much life. I felt very welcomed on the Big Island – rather than feeling like the usual, a poorly treated tourist looking in from the outside. I felt included in something bigger, and it really changed my perspective and experience on the trip. Not to mention, it helped relieve so much anxiety.
I put together a 10 minute vlog that you can watch below. I HIGHLY recommend watching, cause I know it’ll make you smile.
Now I’ve been home for 2 weeks, and things are still bright and airy and good. I feel like me and I really missed it! I am currently gearing up with Pearl for my big House Concert Tour 2018! and very excited to start this next chapter.
So I wanna know:
Have you been to Hawaii? If so, where? Which Island? Tell me everything. I want deets!!
I looooooved Hawaii so much. There was plenty of healing goin’ on as soon as I got there, and I didn’t even know it was coming. I’d love to hear your experience!! Leave a comment below and tell me allll about it.
and thanks for stickin’ around through these bumpy times.