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I haven’t been completely honest..

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Mar 1, 2018

This was me last week.

Amongst all the happy smiling faces and photos of my epic travels, this photo resembles how I actually felt most of the time… and most of the month for that matter. I suffer from anxiety. And although as I write this post and I’m feeling pretty darn good, I know it’s not permanent and that my anxiety could resurface at any moment.

So yeah… The struggle has been REAL yo. 

Most people wouldn’t ever know, because I do everything in my power to hide it. It’s always been sooo important for me to try to be strong and brave and happy and joyful and a good role model… Because it’s those things that I am always promoting to you!…Like the importance of positive thinking and living in the moment and being kind, and enjoying your surroundings and having gratitude…. Because when people (like you) come to my blog to read my stories and posts, most of the time I would assume you come for a little sunshine to brighten your day… amiright?! 

But I have to be honest and say that I’m actually not happy all the time, and life is not amazing all the time – even though that’s what I mainly write about. And sometimes all that fluffy self help stuff just doesn’t work. Yoga and listening to calm music and reading self help books and meditation retreats and drinking all the wine isn’t even enough to soothe my most frayed nerves.

Some days I am defeated and incredibly fragile, no matter how hard I try.

too much travel causes anxiety.

Like many people, my anxiety comes and goes… but I’ve had it for many years and it’s increasingly gotten worse. For some reason, the more than I am accomplishing in my career as an independent musician, the more stress I am putting on myself. The past month has been one of the worst yet. I’m talking panic attacks, not sleeping, restless mind and that horrible feeling of being constantly on edge. All this travelling (as amazing and beautiful as it is) doesn’t help. The time zones, the tight airplane seats, the not sleeping. It’s bad bad bad. It’s gotten bad enough to the point that I’ve enrolled in therapy sessions for the first time. They are helping, but not taking away the root cause.

I realize that I’ve gotten myself in this situation. I honestly didn’t even think about how hard it would be on my body to live as a travelling songstress & independent artist. I thought I’d be used to it by now. I also thought that since I’d be living my dreams, it would all be OK, and that I’d be able to handle everything the world has to throw at me.

But alas, my body is telling me to sloooowww down.
I have done everything in the book to try and make myself feel better, but maybe all I really need to find balance is sleep and time.

And by the way…since I’m being honest in this post…I have struggled with odd ailments my whole life. Things like gastritis, cystic acne, rosacea, itchy leg syndrome, seborrheic dermatitis, reynauds, stomatitis and countless other things flare up from time to time to make my life a little less sunny. I’ve also found out that nearly all of these ailments are related to a weakened immune system that has been compromised by stress and anxiety.

????**Red flag Red flag** ????
Stress? Anxiety??
pfff…That’s my middle name.


My life is not perfect. I’m not perfect. I’m not always happy all the time and life isn’t always great all the time… even though that’s all I’ve been showing to the outer world on social media. Life can’t be great all the time, cause then we wouldn’t be able to realize how good life is, when it actually IS good! I’m having a lot of struggles, especially at the present moment and admittedly, all these recent symptoms have made it feel like my mind is failing me. The build up of stress and not sleeping, in addition to weird things happening to my body, make it hard to stay strong all the time. The reason I haven’t shared all these things publicly because #1. I don’t want to depress my amazing fans and #2. I like being the very happy musician who brings joy and light and love.

But it’s not all 100% real.
???? sorry to bring the bad news ????


Even though I am in the most beautiful place and living the best life I could ever dream, I’m struggling to cope right now, because I don’t feel like myself and I’m upset that I can’t feel better.

So that’s what’s going on.

I don’t mean to write this post to make you feel shitty or make you feel sorry for me, I just wanted you to know what’s going on behind the scenes. I know I will be ok, and that this feeling is temporary. I know that I will feel better eventually, but right now it’s one day at a time.

I am very fortunate with what I have in this life: Amazing supportive family & friends, the best boyfriend ever, a career I am passionate about, fans who do more for me than I even do for myself. What I’ve been able to do (bringing my career on the road), has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs and beautiful adventures. Right now, I’m just trying to be honest with myself and with you, about what’s actually going on. I am human just like everybody else, and I have a lot of rough days, even doing the things that I love the most.

So that’s that. Thank you for reading and for being a listening ear. I guess sometimes life can get really hard, even when I know I’m safe and everything is ok. I will be exploring some options to try and balance my adrenaline and cortisol naturally, and try to get back on the path of the being the best me that I can — which is less = stress and more = calm.

Ahh what a life that will be.




PS. An update on the anxiety & find out what measures I’ve decided to take to help manage it

PPS. Have you experienced anxiety too, and just want to feel better? Share some of your own thoughts and similar situations that you’ve been in by commenting below. Sometimes just talking about it and opening up a dialog can help the subconscious cope with stressful situations. And we’re all human, here to support one another, so spill away 🙂


PPPPPPS. Interested to do a little more? I am on Patreon which is a subscription service for people who are interested to support artists like myself on a monthly basis. By joining and supporting me with only $1 a month, you’ll get special exclusive updates, early-bird posts, access to decision making/special polls, downloads and other goodies on a monthly basis. Your financial support is going to help me plan out my months by giving me the ability to create new music videos, buy equipment or even just groceries whenever I need them. Basically, it’s money for a rainy day – and man, do I get those often. –  Thank you for your support. It means the world and beyond.
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  1. Sylvester Marshall says:

    Hey Jessica, I’m sorry you are going through this. But it’s really impressive you’re doing so much despite the issue. I love your songs and the cute drawings and lyrics you do in some songs. What Does The Fox Say is my favourite! I really hope feel better in time. I wish you all the best with everything in life!

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Thank you Sylvester for your words of support and kindness! It’s one step at a time over here on my end 🙂

  2. Mike says:

    Ah the life of an artist. Different moods for different pieces of art. I’m sure what you’ve got going on is more severe than than the average Joe or Jane but no one’s happy all the time. Before you resort to mess, I hope you don’t, try micro dosing yourself with cannabis and every now and then just say f-it. Your mental health is more important than what ever your self defined idea of success is.
    Wish you the best.

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Thank you Mike! I would smoke some weed.. but most of the time it makes me paranoid! So I kinda stay away. LOL I appreciate your advice though! Sending warm thoughts your way.

  3. Todd says:

    Hi Jess!

    Let’s just say I’ve been wondering how you are doing today, and that you have so much support from everyone in your life! You know, my Ginny has suffered from severe anxiety too. She went the medication route, and it helped her, but everyone has to go about this in their own way. I just want you to know that you are loved so much and we care deeply about You! You’re such a beautiful person and you feel so much! Like I said earlier, you’re a friend first and the singer song writer second.

    On another note, we’ve heard so much from our friends about My Little Girl! Also, I’ve been talking with the people who have been through very similar circumstances as us and that has been so beautiful as well! You are so connecting my friend, and my wish is that you connect with yourself, even if it’s painful. Embrace yourself, even the not so pleasant things, because you’re worth every little bit of it! So, sing to your soul, and hear what your soul is singing to you!

    All the love and peace life can hold!

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      I love everything you’ve written here to me Todd! The sweetest words, the kindest message. I am struggling to embrace every part of me, but slowly it’s unravelling. Looking forward to our facetime chat so soon!

  4. John Kyle says:


    Thank you for letting us see the real you. I’m right with you, I’ve had have anxiety, depression, and insomnia most of my life. I’m usually up all night, and my mind is always racing and fearful. I’ve kind of learned to live with it, relieve it with meditation and yoga, and accept that I’m not “normal.” It’s forced me to be an artist, in a way, because I can’t hold a regular job, ha.

    Even though you want to be a “positive” inspiration to others, know that it’s so much more inspiring that you are honestly acknowledging the truth about how you feel – enough so to tell the world about it. The key to conquering any darkness, any affliction, is helping others. Like you said, it’s why we’re all here on this earth – and that’s what you’re doing by letting people like me know we’re not alone.

    I wish we didn’t feel like we do, but it’s nice to know the most beautiful girl (with the most kick-ass camper-trailer) in the world is a kindred spirit, that I am normal, in the Land of Open-Hearted Artists and Real Humans. 🙂

    <3 John

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      I’m with you! We’re all in it together, to support each other. How crazy it is, that sooo many people have come forward to share their own stories battling anxiety and/or depression and other mood disorders. It’s all around us, and most of us hide it all the time! I think now I’m ready to be free and just be ME whenever I need to. I don’t want to hide it anymore, it’s exhausting! Anyway John, thank you for sharing your story… Thank you for your continued Patronage, and also your patience with me figuring out my story one day at a time. 🙂 I hope you’re having a GREAT day <3

  5. Paul Watson says:

    Hi Jessica,
    My oldest daughter Amanda and I have both experienced anxiety from time to time. She is an RN, and the pressures of other peoples heath care can really make work stressful. I first experienced anxiety when I was working (I’m now retired), every time I had to make a public presentation to the “big shots”. My committee upstairs would get busy. A problem would start out the size of a balloon, but the “committee” upstairs would get on that bicycle pump, and start pumping my head full of doubt. Before long, the little balloon looked to me like the Goodyear Blimp. Everyone around me still saw the little balloon, but I saw the Goodyear Blimp. That’s how self doubt works on us. It leads to fear and anxiety. It only happened when I was either hungry, angry, lonely or tired (HALT). Whenever I got in a funk, the committee would start. I think there’s a “committee” in all of us. When I was happy and expansive, it never appeared. My Christian faith helped me understand where all that self doubt was coming from.
    One of my favorite singer/songwriters (besides you) is Rodney Crowell. Rodney grew up relatively poor in Houston, TX. He joined Emmylou Harris’s Hot Band in the 70’s and married Johnny Cash’s daughter Roseanne. In 1988, he had 5 number #1 hit songs in a row on the Billboard country charts and two hugely successful albums. Five in a row! He had achieved tremendous success, but he left the treadmill of superstardom behind to return to writing and singing the songs he loved best. Today, he tours much as you do, as an indie singer/songwriter of Americana music. He self publishes his albums and I buy every one. We saw himperform last summer in Bakersfield, (remember Bakersfield, CA?). They reflect his own thoughts and feelings about life, love and people. Like you, he had to go through a period of self doubt and anxiety, trying to reconcile his real life to his huge success. Today in his songs, I find a gifted songwriter at peace, with the wisdom to put life in perspective, and not worry about circumstances. I think you will too :).
    God Bless,
    Paul Watson

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      What a beautiful story. Believe it or not, I’ve never heard of Rodney Crowell, but it sounds like he’s put in enough time, and now he’s earned wisdom and knowledge to enjoy life peacefully. I know that time will come for me eventually… But right now I’m putting in alllll the time, every day! Doing all the hard work. It’ll come back to me soon, in ways I’m sure I can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I’ll try noticing the “committee” more and observing, rather than letting it consume me. Always easier said than done, but let’s get to it! Onwards we go!

  6. Carol Hawk says:

    Sweet Jessica! Be easy on yourself! You are loved and your music brings amazing peace and sunshine to so many! Thanks for sharing! Never be afraid to be your full self! Those that love and appreciate you will always be here offering support! When I was diagnosed with MS my doctor told me it is not life threatening but life altering! It didn’t happen overnight but learning to just be in the moment and accept things as they happened has been incredibly freeing and enlightening! It’s not always easy but realizing that my life’s journey is in the hands of a higher power gives me strength to accept it as it unfolds instead of fighting what I hadn’t expected or planned! Thinking of you fondly with lots of love and prayers! ❤️

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      My beautiful friend Carol! … I had no idea you are living with MS. Wow. You are such a light. Since making this post, it’s crazy how many people around me (friends and strangers) are coming forward to share their own health stories. We are all battling something individually, but in the grander scheme of things, it appears that we are all actually in it together. To support one another and lift each other up. Thank you for taking time out of your day to write to me and to lift me up. It means so much.

  7. Anna says:

    Jessica, I struggle daily with anxiety, too. Like yours, it comes and goes, but lately it’s just here. I’ll be praying for you and those aren’t just words people say to make someone feel better, I truly will be praying for you. I know how hard it is to constantly feel on edge. It’s exhausting and frustrating. I love your music and you are so talented! You will overcome this and so will I. Until then, we just have to keep on keeping on and remember that we aren’t alone. P.s. Spring is coming!! ????

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Anna, we definitely are not alone. If there is one thing that I’ve learned since publishing this post, is just how many people all around us (friends and strangers) are suffering from the same thing we are. So, we’re all in it together. One day at a time, we will find ways to cope and overcome all the physical and mental strains that come with anxiety. Wishing you health on your side of the world, and thank you for your prayers!

  8. Jeff Webb says:

    So sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. 3 years ago this month I lost my job and found myself unemployed for the first time in over 40 years – yes I’m at the higher age band of your fan base! Up to the point of being made redundant I’d been bullied at work. Ignored at work. Unappreciated at work. In those same months leading up to the redundancy I had severe back trouble. Then a mild heart attack. Then diagnosed with leukemia. And on top of that really really bad DEPRESSION! After a while I came to the conclusion that losing my job was actually the best thing that could have happened. I still get anxious about stuff and even at my age I need a challenge. I’m anxiously waiting for a decision on my early retirement pension. There are several things that keep me positive. My wife of over 30 years is supportive and loving as ever. My two adult daughters live nearby so we see them a lot. My 22 year old son who has Asperger syndrome is making his own way in life as a student. Emmy the Labrador is very supportive. And almost best of all I get to spend time with 2 wonderful grandchildren aged 1 and 3. So all is not so bad after all. But that nasty depression still returns from time to time. Music is also a big thing in my life. The wonderful Frank Zappa. The wonderful Jessica Allossery. And lots of other wonderful music in between. All I can say is keep doing what you do. You have fans and you have friends. You have fans who are friends. We’re all here for you and you give us so much. Keep smiling.

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Your words made me smile and made me cry Jeff. It’s actually crazy how much So many people go through on a daily basis, and I don’t even know it! Most of the world doesn’t even know it! It just goes to show that we are all on this earth to work together and support one another. I loved the stories you just shared of the support you have around you (especially Emmy ????). Thank you for writing to me. You made this moment so much brighter.

      • Jeff Webb says:

        Sorry I made you cry but pleased that I made you smile. Dogs are therapy on four legs. They always listen. They never judge. And they sense your moods. Emmy is a great part of our lives 🙂

  9. Marco Cachay says:

    Hi Jessica, life is a gift of God, every single day we make difference, I think you are more strong than others, Anxiety is a problem when we can manage it, you have to be realist and talk your self and you will see is nothing to be worried, writing my problem in a paper help me a lot to understand how easy is to take away my anxiety.
    Take yourself, you are important for many people who fallowing.

  10. Oscar Vicente says:

    The anxiety is realy common in our society. This happen because our atenttion is outside, and not in ourself.

    Some things that can help you… Using the same imagination that cause it, but in reverse. =P

    (Close your eyes And…) Imagine all the things that you have to do, your dutys, and then when your attention is conscious, that it is all out from you, then look in – Between your stomach and your chest – and imagine a white point inside like a point of reference.
    The anxiety and depression happend cause you don’t feel yourself, its like a desertion. And that’s the cause that you feel bad. So, put your attention inside of you, and just breath from your lungs, not your nose.

    Let all your dutys just for a moment, they will be there when you come back from this excercise, but with better feelings. =)

    PD: “Sorry for my bad Enlgish.” =P

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Thank you for your sweet words of advice Oscar! I have been trying to do lots of deep breathing lately, but I admit my mind wanders a lot when trying to look within. I will keep trying though! One step at a time.

  11. James D'Alessandro (psychologist) says:

    Hey Jessica-

    you seem to have developed much insight into what is ailing you, what may be some of the causes and what can help. Balance is key. All of your symptoms sound a lot like adrenal fatigue and much of what you r feeling is physical-not just “in your head.” The rush of cortisol and other stress hormones and your feeling like it has begun to control your life could become a vicious cycle. Your honesty and insight that u may just need to slow down and regain mental and physical nourishment can b a turning point for you…Rest, nutrition and exercise can help with so many issues and is a good starting point. Also-(and i know its easier to preach this than practice) but try not to fear the fear-once the body has reached a point of equilibrium-hormones, chemicals etc will start to even out and you wont feel on edge about anxiety controlling u as much.

    take care

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Hi James, thank you for your professional insight. My symptoms are very physical, so at the moment yes, it’s very hard to try to battle the mental side of things, when physically I just feel so off some times. I will find my balance eventually. I think I’m also going to try some testing and see if my body is deficient in anything / or if I have thyroid/hormonal issues. We shall see as the results come up!

  12. Monica says:

    Hi Jess and everyone else. Anxiety sucks – it can come on without warning and take your brain to a place that you never thought you’d go. Therapy is good, mindfulness is good, caring for ourselves is good. I don’t have the right things to say to make it go away but I am impressed with your bravery to go on the road and embrace this big, bad world with everything you’ve got. Have you ever read/followed Glennon Doyle Melton? One of my favorite sayings of hers is, “We can do hard things.” It’s so true – and your are living proof of this. The struggle is real and you are so respected for living your struggles out loud! Sending you tons of positivity!!


    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Hey Monica! I’ve never heard of Glennon Doyle Melton, but I appreciate you sharing that with me, and I’m now following her! Yes it’s amazing what ‘hard things’ we put ourselves through, but I guess it’s all to make us stronger, more courageous, and just better people in the end. And that’s the journey I’m on at this very moment! alll the hard things.. but at least they are still good things. 🙂 Thank you for your words of encouragement and support.

  13. Aaron says:

    Hi Jessica,

    I suffer from bipolar disorder and occasionally panic attacks, so I know the struggle to some degree.

    With all you took on last year and accomplished isn’t easy but you pulled through and did a great job!

    Happy to hear you have a strong support system; it makes all the difference in the world!

    Take care–looking forward to your future contributions to the arts ????

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Well they do say the struggle makes you stronger. So I know I’ll get through it! And maybe I’ll get some good material out of it too! 🙂

  14. Lynne xo says:

    Jess, we have been thinking about you like crazy lately and been wondering how it truly is. The messy middle is so messy, isn’t it? You keep it real… and although that may not feel strong at times, it is. Just saying it out loud is strong. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and know that you are loved, BIG TIME. If you ever ever ever need anything… we are only a phone call away (and we have really comfy places to sleep LOL)
    Love you!

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Yes it sure is!! One day at a time. I miss you guys like always. So calming over there at at Knowltons! I hope to see you both very very soon!!!

  15. Angel DeRue says:

    I’m glad you shared this with us. I don’t suffer from anxiety all the time but I have in the past so I know how you’re feeling, at least somewhat. I spent almost two years commuting five hours a day, five days a week, to work and back. Leaving home before anyone else is awake and arriving home after the dinner dishes are put away day after day after day took its toll on both my body and my mind, placing a huge amount of stress on both in ways I never knew were possible. Thankfully the worst symptoms went away once I stopped commuting so far, but I don’t think things ever got 100% better. Anyway, thank you so much for deciding to share what’s really going on with you. We all know life isn’t always filled with sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but there’s certainly strength in numbers, whether that number is two, ten, or a thousand. I know we’ll probably never meet or speak, but if you ever need encouragement, or just want to vent to a total stranger (sounds strange but sometimes it works!), I’d be honored to be that stranger!

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      5 hours a day!!! omg! That sounds so painful! I could definitely see why your mind and body were so stressed. Your offer on the table is so appreciated! Thank you Angel, truly truly. It’s amazing to see how many people are coming fourth and showing their support – people (like you) who I’ve never met! Maybe some day we will have that chance! 🙂 <3

  16. Emma says:

    Thank you for being your true authentic self! Beautiful. Yes anxiety can be rough. Green tea, vitamin B for the natural and plenty of excersize. It works out your anxiety. No matter what new day brings of gloom and doom or happy ray of sunshine remember how incredible you are with your work. Your voice touches peoples souls. You are only human and we all have bad days, weeks sometimes months! Music is a vibration that can lift you up, make you cry, or think of someone to call. Keeping you in my thoughts as my son just went through a year of depression/anxiety. Your songs kept me going through it all. Much love!

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      Months… yes it’s certainly been more like months over here!! But somehow I’m still coping! Every day is a new adventure either up or down… Lol Thank you for your thoughts and soothing recommendations!

  17. Demaris says:

    Sweet Jessica, you have such a beautiful soul, I hope you can find exactly what you need to feel peace and enjoy your work without the anxiety!! Anxiety has come and gone in my life as well. As I’ve gotten older things have evened out for me, but I’ve been in that spot you hung out in today my fair share of times. For me, the anxiety stemmed from doubt, resentment, and often pure exhaustion from having so many responsibilities. In my experience doubt isn’t easy to avoid, especially when there is so much to do in a day and you wonder if you’re doing it right. And resentment from being so much for others and not feeling it come back to you, that can be a slippery slope. Or putting in work and not seeing the success you want, then wondering why on earth you’re doing it in the first place… it happens to every single human being, whether we’re writing songs or changing diapers, sweeping floors, or managing employees. I’ve had to learn to be patient with myself and to stop and think of all of the joy and goodness I do experience. And I had to learn how to even out the anxiety causing stuff with balance and boundaries. I learned how to say NO. Which, for someone like you, a happy people serving person, can be very difficult!

    Figure out what things you can cut out, or what you need to add, maybe you’re just missing something in your day? The people around you who care about you want you to be healthy, and genuinely happy, and if that means you can’t make it to a dinner party, or if you didn’t send that thank you note right on time, that’s OK!!!! My anxiety surfaces when I allow myself to worry about how I’m probably screwing up my kids every time I open my mouth, haha! But seriously, one day I looked not only at my health, but also the way I was treating the people I loved the most, and realized I couldn’t be everything for everybody, and I started to politely decline. I let someone else be the secretary of the PTA. I gave someone else the chance to take control of the school yearbook. I no longer host playdates just because our neighbor kids have a bunch of free time. Instead, I volunteer in my child’s classroom, I substitute for the school district and make a difference that way- and it actually comes with a paycheck! I make time to read and soak in a hot bath. I stopped talking to the drama crowd, and I just smile and wave and keep on walking. So very liberating!! Secretly, sometimes on my days off, I pick up my youngest from school in sweats and no bra. I wear sunglasses and don’t get out of the car! I don’t even get out of my robe until it’s time to leave the house. It’s amazing how much I can accomplish if I don’t have to get dressed first, LOL. I allow myself a good cleansing cry now and again, to remind myself I am still a caring person who hurts sometimes, and I tell you what, I always feel better after a good cry, as long as I stay out of the spiral!! And most importantly, for me, I stopped worrying about what others think of me, as long as my behavior is correct.

    I’m not in the public eye like you are, my passions and talents aren’t quite the same, my priorities might run a different path… but even in all of our differences, I share your tender heart, I understand your ups and downs, and I even have one of those autoimmune things… the one called psoriasis… and gut issues… I just have 20 years more experience, and I’m someone else’s nagging mother, not your own. But I hope you truly understand what you are for other people, and are able to give yourself a break, whatever kind of break you need! Chin up, Jessica, you are amazing!
    Big Hugs from California

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      wow what a thoughtful reply! Thank you Demaris, from the bottom of my heart. It feels good to see that I’m not alone. It feels good knowing that it’s OK that I don’t have have my shit together sometimes!!! This is a little bump in the road, but I know it can’t last forever. So one day at a time, I will find coping methods, and me time….and I’ll figure it all out! But for now… several good crys is in order! 😀

  18. Todd says:

    I was going to ask you how you were doing with this stuff just today! Walking around my house this morning before work, “I wonder how Jess is really doing?”

    You are human and we all have to deal with a host of things. You don’t always have to be sunny all the time, so just being you is all that is needed. It rains, and pours! It snows, and it gets gray. All of that is you, so no need to worry about having to be the shining light for us! How about we shine some on you for a change! So here you go!????⚘????????

    I’m actually happy to see you show a more vulnerable side to You! Makes you even more human!

    • Jessica Allossery says:

      *sigh* yes we are all human. It feels really nice to be seen and heard, even in my toughest times!! Thank you for your kind words of support my friend! I always cherish and appreciate your messages!



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